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03 February 2016 @ 05:07 pm
Rejection  
Rejection. It stings. To not be wanted. Faced one of many to come today. Not from a man (although I'm sure there were some involved in the process, but not romantically speaking) but from a college. Graduate program, to be more accurate. I wasn't good enough. Sucks, but at least I tried. That's what counts, right? That I tried. Not very well, but...maybe that's been my problem all along. I've never wanted anything enough to TRY. When I put my mind to it there's nothing I (or anybody, for that matter) can't do. "Where there's a will there's a way." That's the saying, right? The cliche? But it doesn't make it any less true, does it? The fact that it's overused? I just...I don't know how I feel other than rejected. Which is what it was. I knew it when I saw it on the screen. In my email box: 'Graduate application decision from UT Austin.' No one ever responds that fast unless it's bad news bears. Still, I had to see. So I did. Saw it there in bold ass ugly orange 'DECLINED'. Another word for a simple phrase: not wanted. Not desirable. Not good enough. Well fuck you, says I. I'll make it another way. Make you eat those words and regret them to whatever faceless committee decided my work and my words weren't good enough for their program. Sad part is, I've always known. Doesn't take a genius to realize that what these programs are looking for isn't a fantasay genre writer. Nope. What they're looking for is the next Fitzgerald, Hemingway or Wallace. I'm not these writers. I write fantasy. I enjoy science fiction but I'm no Phillip K. Dick. Hell, I hadn't even heard of him until recently. Still haven't read much of his work but the plot lines I am familiar with are rather brilliant. So it wasn't for me. Never in my cards and that's okay. I knew. But I had to try. What scares me though is what comes after. I made a promise to myself and now I'm afraid I'm going to have to live up to it. Military career. I don't want to kill people. I don't even want to do the physical training (mostly because it's going to suck). I just want to write. It's nice to get this all out and know people will never read it. It's just going to suck because I paid a lot of money to apply to these programs and my first rejection came today. First in a long line I suspect. I don't want to be rejected. I know I will, but I don't want to feel it because it makes me want to drink.